At the Bay

Deep in sorrow, sharp in pain, with hopes for a better tommorow. And for the never ending rain to go away. So mabe the burnt soul may feel as if its at a sunny day, at the bay for a day.

Another Poem

Floating down a river, calmly at first. than it became a rush. Soon tossing and turning. And out of control. Soon the calm would come. But before or after the waterfall

Sense

I can not breath, i can not see all i can do is feel am i alive. 
I am no. am i dead. I do not know. are you listening.
 Yes, you can hear. but you are not listening. 
who am i to you?

Sonnet

I shall now have a ablution
From my dreaded shadow
that is the ever dark depression
i shall take it to that meadow
where that darkness shall dread
that soon approaching destruction
where it shall dissolve toe to head
It's very soul faces annihilation
Gone with its long lasting pain
no longer a very quiet, loud
Washed away with the a rain
Left behind a proud cloud
Sitting above a happy joy
For a soul to ever enjoy

Hmm...

Whether, you where Far or Near, I loved you Dear. My forever Star.

Start-up

So, I haven't posted anything too personal last few days. That would because I don't want people to necessarily worry about me. I know it may sometimes seem like I need or want attention, but it is actually the opposite. Lately I have been most defiantly pushing people away, By the end of the week there's no doubt in my mind half the people I do have will be gone. I feel in away its probably for the best at the moment, but only because I need to be able to lift myself up, and not rely on anyone else.

Buried

I felt your life through the months that where forsaken and true
I felt the growth, I grew too
I felt your essence, you where mine
I felt the bond, we where connected
I felt your tears, they where my river
I felt your goodbye, it was my soul

Seeing Color

A good lot of us acknowledged that there are plenty of colors in the world, but yet allot of us only see the black and white. We expect things to go a very specific way and when it doesn't we flounder. We will say do this and this and this, and this outcome will happen. However, if we seem to forget the little things that happens in between this, and these.  

River Of Death (My Published Poem)

I have tears
Of sorrow on my cheeks
Just knowing what happened
That on fateful day
Knowing that children
were victims of the deaths
That September day
I look at my brother, my sister
My family, my home city knowing
Knowing that it could have been  us
Or anybody else or place
Who could have been victims
Of the river of death
That September day
My tears of sorrow are gone
For now the victims flow
In a river of angels
Innocent angels of themselves.


Wrote that in the 8th grade, not the best but hey its published.

Truth

Well Probably gonna get some crap for this one, but when I started this blog I mentioned that there will be things on here people just wont like. My blog is about honesty and the way I truly feel, for some people its too hard to handle, but for me its my life.

So, last night I fought like hell not to kill myself, I cannot express how hard it was. Over, last few months that's all I can ever think about, that and drugs. I would have never in my life would have considered drugs as an alternative, but I am. I want an escape, and I cannot find one, so i am looking for alternatives. I have not as you can see killed myself, or yet taken drugs. Normally I would cut, but I tried stopping, I would go get a piercing to help, but if i did that I would in no doubt have access to the drugs and the little resistance that I have now would be out the window, and I would fully disappear.  In a way I want too, I know I say I am invisible alot, and for most part I am, and yet I want to fully disappear. At the same time I want to fight too, however I think that's due to my own mind training. A few years ago a teacher told me referring to English, that you have too keep trying, keep practicing until your mind does it automatically and without thinking you know what to do. I have applied that to psychology, which is why I am not on medication and up til now have done damned good without it. I do not think I'm going to do any of the above, If I would I would not of posted this blog. I have strongly considered it, but in the end I may just survive it.

Elaboration

Most of what I am feeling in the earlier post, I have been feeling for months and months, it seems last two it has gotten worse. I will say there are some good things in mylife too. I guess what I was trying to say is I am tired of being, who I am at the moment, and am trying desperatly to change and seem to not be able to, because of a few past events that have happend, and it seems some have afftected me more than I would have liked to of thought. Then theres the Big MC, and that is in all words killing me, because if I had been smarter it would not of happend, had I been smart I would not of been in that situation, had I been strong minded I would not be in the state of mind I am in now. So, guess most of these things are due to past events that I cannot shake.

Strike Out

In an earlier blog labeled Curve Ball, I posted that I am trying to find me. Well it would seem I still have not done so. Although, I do not think a person ever truly finds themselves. It would seem that when I do think I am finally figuring things out life tosses me some fine curve balls, and I always, always strike out. More recently would be, my mother getting sick, a miscarrige, a break-up, and possibly another, school on the hand is going okay. It feels like however, I just don,t get a break from the drama, I do not want the drama!!! I hate when peole constantly have drama, and here I am always having it. I feel at some sense I don't have control over it, or anything else in my life latly. In a way I feel that I lost any self control and self respect awhile ago. I think, that I am also at an almost all time low. I am thinking about doing things I never in a million years would have otherwise thought of doin, I feel that alot of what has happend is absolutly my faul. I always thought I was a strong minded person, now I think I am very, very weak minded, and I want my own being back. I have defintly, defintly had alot of strike outs.

Control

Control is a powerless thing. To have control is to now have any power over yourself at all.

Scream

Do you ever feel the need to scream? To have a form of release, but you can't. The release just wont release. So it builds until its a raging storm, needing to be pierced, to let the sun in.

Sense me........

She falls gracefully with her skirts flowing behind her, and her arms spread out like the eagles wings. Into her bed as she snuggles up to her purple and white guitar pillow, in her pepsi pajama bottoms, and her black sweater with a white beater tank underneath, her mind still racing, and her thoughts still wild but reality is surfacing, along with the exhausted sleep full of wild dreams. 
            Her mother let out a great sigh of relief from the hallway, it had been an extremely long day for her. The neighbors had begun to ask questions about the strange figure that had appeared in the window. They had said it appeared to be ghost, she had simply said that it  must be smudges on the window, but her explanation was to no avail, for Sally had to put her two sense in.
   You should hire an investigator, or have a seance. Sally had said with great enthusiasm. The paranormal had seemed to of been the popular thing lately. 
Shes right, Jennifer, Kelly had an investigator over just last month it turns out that our neighborhood is very old and has allot of history with ghost. 





ALL I HAVE so far tell me what you think?

Eyes

Make sure when you see, you are seeing with your eyes. Make sure you do not see, with feeling. Make sure you do not see with the heart. Make sure them eyes are open. Make sure what you see is whole and not part. Perhaps then you will see, what you are truly seeing. 

I

I stare you in the Face

 I breath your name

  I live your life

   I take you for granted

    I am your truth

  Your one and only Truth

      I am you.