Well Probably gonna get some crap for this one, but when I started this blog I mentioned that there will be things on here people just wont like. My blog is about honesty and the way I truly feel, for some people its too hard to handle, but for me its my life.
So, last night I fought like hell not to kill myself, I cannot express how hard it was. Over, last few months that's all I can ever think about, that and drugs. I would have never in my life would have considered drugs as an alternative, but I am. I want an escape, and I cannot find one, so i am looking for alternatives. I have not as you can see killed myself, or yet taken drugs. Normally I would cut, but I tried stopping, I would go get a piercing to help, but if i did that I would in no doubt have access to the drugs and the little resistance that I have now would be out the window, and I would fully disappear. In a way I want too, I know I say I am invisible alot, and for most part I am, and yet I want to fully disappear. At the same time I want to fight too, however I think that's due to my own mind training. A few years ago a teacher told me referring to English, that you have too keep trying, keep practicing until your mind does it automatically and without thinking you know what to do. I have applied that to psychology, which is why I am not on medication and up til now have done damned good without it. I do not think I'm going to do any of the above, If I would I would not of posted this blog. I have strongly considered it, but in the end I may just survive it.
So, last night I fought like hell not to kill myself, I cannot express how hard it was. Over, last few months that's all I can ever think about, that and drugs. I would have never in my life would have considered drugs as an alternative, but I am. I want an escape, and I cannot find one, so i am looking for alternatives. I have not as you can see killed myself, or yet taken drugs. Normally I would cut, but I tried stopping, I would go get a piercing to help, but if i did that I would in no doubt have access to the drugs and the little resistance that I have now would be out the window, and I would fully disappear. In a way I want too, I know I say I am invisible alot, and for most part I am, and yet I want to fully disappear. At the same time I want to fight too, however I think that's due to my own mind training. A few years ago a teacher told me referring to English, that you have too keep trying, keep practicing until your mind does it automatically and without thinking you know what to do. I have applied that to psychology, which is why I am not on medication and up til now have done damned good without it. I do not think I'm going to do any of the above, If I would I would not of posted this blog. I have strongly considered it, but in the end I may just survive it.
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