Mind

Do you control your mind, or does your mind control you.



Often I will wonder why I do, the things I do. I think for most of us we all think that. Sometimes it is said "its something I would  not normally do" or "I kept telling my self no or yes which ever case may be  and the opposite happened". So I wonder if you tell yourself not to do something and opposite happens, is your mind controlling you...or if you do the opposite are you controlling you mind because your inner self is telling your mind something else.

Sea

Out of the meadows and into the sea
Out of the darkness and into the light
And back into the sea

Pushing Past

Sometime without knowing it your brain catches things and develops around them, things you often don't know even existed and soon you have a new character. That new character starts develop its own personality, and soon you have a whole new side. 

In All

Brought out in all my days
through the past and to present
Life and my expectancy
Through tears and the joy
I shall always Be

Back

WOW... I have been so busy all month and have not been able to keep up. It seems I have been reading up on school projects, and exams it seems as soon as I am done with one exam I have another one, and another. But for the most part things are good. I must say for those who I follow you blogs are wonderfulllllll, I have been reading alot of them to catch up, I may not be leaving alot of comments but thats because I have so much to read but I do think there all wonderfulll.  For my own followers thanks for sticking with me even though Ive been missing the last few weeks ;).

Sense Me

She falls gracefully with her skirts flowing behind her, and her arms spread out like the eagles wings. Into her bed as she snuggles up to her purple and white guitar pillow, in her pepsi pajama bottoms, and her black sweater with a white beater tank underneath, her mind still racing, and her thoughts still wild but reality is surfacing, along with the exhausted sleep full of wild dreams.

In Search

I don't know who I am but, I want to know. I want and don't want the same things. My mind is a whirlpool. When will it stop.

Poem

Waves after waves
It comes, so distant and yet so far
Closer I wish it came.
For the ever ending pain
To go away

Another Drabble

I thought I was clever when I put suspenders over my striped shirt. I thought if I painted my face white, and used hand gestures, they would never know me from, who I was. They could not ask me for I pretended not to speak. A perfect disguised people thought me a performer, they started to call me a mime. Until the detective found me. Shocked I was I asked, how did you find me. He replied, you hide behind the suspenders, and the make up, but the striped jail shirt you wear you may never hide under Mr. Mime.

Challenge

Its a challenge to be this happy person in everyone eyes, in others an open book. I feel for those who don't see me don't know me, those who do have forever known me. I at times wish I could scream how I feel, but I feel in a way I already do without words. Am I that hard to see.

Time

The times you enjoy the most, are the times you see the most

Drabble-Challenge

We where driving for hours it seemed. I looked at my friend and asked if we could stop for a bite to eat. She said sure why not, so we pulled off to a nearby town by the highway. It was small, but they had a restaurant that was all I cared about. I ordered a salad and my friend an omelet. The waitress seemed odd with her blue top hat, but hey it was a small town. After a few minutes our food came, in it where mosquitos. We got out of town quick, the lady laughing at us. 

I don't know

Life is confusing for everyone, as soon as where not confused where confused again about something else. But sometimes a new confusion can be good.

Good Days

Today I got very few pledges on the main list, but when I got into a special list i blew it out of the water and got alot of pledges, which for a telemarketer is a big deal. I was so over joyed despite my earlier jounal/bog post I had said something different, my day was made i actully came home and ate and seems how i had only ate three times  in three days total and when i had eaten it was a way to get away from people, but not to actually eat was an improvement, i thought hey mabe i will be okay.and then about a twenty minute ago the dark thoughts came back and i again cried, and i again cry as i wright, it seems that even when i am feeling okay i am feeling terrible. I want it to end so badly but i will be strong no matter how i hurt or am in pain. I will be strong because i can not fail. I will be strong because thats what is expected of me, to some people i am a success story and i will be strong for them, but i will still hurt so i write in hopes to place a little bit of the burden somewhere else. This is so hard and the feelings overwhelming but i will make it.




This blog is much like a journal to me, on some of my post there are labels journals, this blog is not a sob story but how how truly feel.

The Way I feel Inside

I am only wrighting this because I'm told better out than in.       I do not promote suicide in anyway shape or form these are just the thoughts that go through my head.    Lately its all I think about, sometimes when I close my eyes, I dream of me dying in some form from anywhere to natural causes to someone trying to kill me. This is usually normal for those who are depressed. I have in the past tried to, people say its selfish but I felt horrible, Its like you will kill an animal if its suffering, and you take people off of life support so they don't have to, well i felt like I was suffering that I was on this life support that no one would take me off, so i tried to do it myself, I was not successful of course and now I have learned to deal with things for the most part, and I would love to help others get through there problems as well.  But lately the feeling is so strong and very hard to fight i know that I wont do anything at all but its a terrible feeling that you just don't want to live, its dark.

Poem

I shall never die young, and I shall never die old, Knowing I will always be in love with you.




There is no significant meaning to this poem it just popped into my head, and it sounded good.

Figuring us out.

Life is awkward, but I think that life wouldn't be interesting if it weren't. I think our feelings are part of the most mysterious things about being human because even when  we know why we feel a certain way we don't. where always trying to find out why others feel a certain way as well, where always trying to figure out our own very being.

Today

I have shut the doors, and it will be awhile before I open them. I fee l that I am no longer here, and I know no one understands it no matter how much I scream it. I feel like a total zombie, I know i don't feel alive, I am alone in a bubble that no one can break, in a black whole where i can climb  and climb and no matter what fall back down, sometimes i get close or I get caught but in  the end I'm too heavy and I fall again.


I am eating lunch by myself and I am perfectly okay being alone.

Dark Vs Light

Today I seen a friend I had not seen in awhile, it felt great, and I had missed him but I missed him even more because I realized how much i had missed him. I broke up with my boyfriend, but did not feel any significant loss, and I'm sorry for that. Even greater I felt the darkness even greater today, more and more lately I've been slipping away, and I feel relaxed about it scarily relaxed,  My cloud is darker but comforting at same time. I don't expect the sun to shine anytime soon it probably will get darker before the light. None of this is due to a break up, the break up is due because of this. My traditional thoughts are strong again as they use to be, I hope I am strong enough to face them, or my teacher will be disappointed with their assessment of my paper.

Acceptance

Often we tell people that we have to accept a person for who they are, but often we do not. We cannot accept someone else if we cannot accept ourselves first, and for most that is the case.

Letting Go

Your life moves forward and so now you leave  behind emotions that are lost forever. Sometimes its better if you don't feel the same way to just go separates ways on the same path too let the other move forward, and to heal eventually.

A Curve Ball

 As I have mentioned before in an earlier blog, I am just trying to find me. I realize the things that I once enjoyed I no longer do. I feel that I am shifting growing and changing all because of an autobiography. I think I am realizing stuff that I had not before. I know some of it may stem from depression, but some is I am trying to find me. I also because I am changing am seeing people differently.

Playing life

When I was a kid like most I played house and barbie then I played the Sims, is it not a wonder that even at early age we try to play a life that's not our own. Some of us, even now wish not to at the age of an adult to play our own life we would rather run from it than welcome  it. For me I think taking my life as is now is just another experience on its own. I am curious how it turns out, what our own special life has and its mysteries  it holds for the others who want to play it, because in the end our own life is someone else dream and play, for no two settings are the same. World Lets Play Own Life For Once.

Me

I am soon 23 years old on October 3rd, 2011. I have found out as I've come to be 23 that despite all the people I am around, I am very isolated. I definitely don't know where I belong  or with whom I am. I thought I had just begone to know who I am, just too find out perhaps I am wrong. I hope someday soon I will but, for now I must be satisfied with now. I thought I was okay until my teacher had me wright a autobiography on myself...He said before you try to help others you gotta know what your own problems are....you gotta know who you are, and where you have been, oh boy has it gotten me thinking. So now I am blogging and making my life into an online open book sorta. Hi, my name is Alicia, this is my first entry, and I am here.